(Ir)Rational
by Cookies and Ink
Summary: For the first time, Minerva lets her heart dictate what to do when she sees Sirius Black after his escape from Azkaban. (Set during PoA)
1. (Ir)Rational

**(Ir)Rational**

There wasn't a cat in Hogwarts that Minerva McGonagall didn't know personally. In a school of nearly seven hundred pupils, not including the members of staff, there were currently forty - four cats of varying ages in the castle. That number was somewhat below average, owls really were all the rage.

She made a point of befriending the students who brought in cats, of watching over them as the house - elves helped to feed them, it was one indulgence that Minerva kept quite private but always enjoyed. Particularly when she shifted into her animagus form and did her best to blend in.

As one of the few animagi in Magical Britain, Minerva had thought that actually achieving the transformation would have been the hardest thing. Indeed, when she had finally mastered it and registered, there was the unexpected press attention that Albus had had to help her navigate — being the only female animagus in Britain in the twentieth century so far was front page news for a time. Then she nearly got in a fight with Mrs Norris, barely making it out with both ears and all limbs intact, and realised quickly that just because she looked like a cat did not mean that they would necessarily accept her.

So Minerva learnt to blend in. It was often her way of unwinding, after a long day teaching first years and moody teenagers, to meander through the passageways of the castle that had long been her home. An odd nighttime habit perhaps, but it led to her following young Miss Granger's cat on the fifth consecutive night Crookshanks left the castle. He had, up 'til now, been quite aloof with her and so she thought perhaps they could bond over hunting.

When Crookshanks changed his path from the grounds to closer towards the edges of the forest, her heart sank. Perhaps he was the kind of cat that preferred a nest full of bird's eggs; that was something she herself couldn't stomach. She kept watching, trailing behind as her disappointment shifted to confusion and then something darker.

There was a long moment, after Crookshanks had frozen the Whomping Willow when Minerva did not know what to do.

'Don't treat life — or anything at all — like it's a storm in a teacup,' her mother always used to say. So she grew up never over - exaggerating, always having some sort of plan; she always knew what to do next. Following Crookshanks with no real forethought for what may come next was a first for Minerva. Perhaps it was the Gryffindor blood in her, still coursing strong, but her instincts were screaming that something was _wrong_ so loudly it was a thought that couldn't be ignored.

Freezing the tree was easy enough but then Minerva shifted back into a cat, preferring to have night vision for whatever she may be about to face. She saw the dog waiting patiently at the end of the path, realisation bleeding into rage. Her reaction was so fast that she almost shocked herself; a fluid transition from animal to human echoed by three nonverbal spells, dark navy, red and white lighting the room.

Crookshanks yowled in the large wooden box she had transfigured out of a chair that had been lying on it's side, but she ignored him. All Minerva's attention was on the man, unconscious and tied to the floor by twisted vines that had grown out of the wooden planks underfoot.

Sirius Black.

He looked haggard, unkempt, nothing like the young man she had watched grow up. Except he had not always looked charming, suave or whatever other 'cool' adjective Sirius had always so desperately tried to emulate. Staring at his malnourished appearance she was reminded of the days when he would come to her quarters, long after curfew when his breathing would jerk and stutter, tears pooling in his eyes. Anxiety had always been something the young man had hid well. No one but his closest friends could have ever guessed of the gnawing fear that threatened to consume him, of the panic attacks that Minerva herself had helped to talk him through. Whilst she firmly believed in treating all students fairly, there were favourites that stayed with her throughout her career. Often it was the students that she felt like she was making a difference with.

Sirius had been one of those. It had taken years but he had grown to trust her and then…

Minerva took a slow, deep breath, feeling her heartbeat stutter with panic and guilt. She went through a series of breathing exercises, trying to get her mind calm and clear, the irony of herself feeling anxious thick on her tongue.

She should tell Dumbledore.

She should summon aurors.

Rational thoughts ran through her mind, each discarded quicker than the one before it. For the first time in her living memory, she ignored her head, every sensible plan and let the emotions take over. Now the memories were threatening to take over; she had found him trying to heal an injured leg instead of laughing with his friends at the start-of-term feast in Second Year. When the Potter's love and attention had become overwhelming, Sirius had come to live with her for six weeks before moving into his first apartment. He had shown her his animagus form and she had offered to talk to Dumbledore about hiring him, on an apprenticeship scheme. Even then Filius had been looking to retire and had been overjoyed at the thought of Sirius taking his place.

'I need to be a part of the war…' Sirius had told her reluctantly.

Then he had thrown it all away.

Had he been lying to her even then? These were the questions that had plagued her for over a decade and now she was going to get her answers.

Raising her wand, Minerva cast two spells. The first spell had the vines which had pinned him to the floor writhe and drag him across the floor, then up the wall until he was on his feet. It was not the most elegant of ways to bind someone but she did not want to waste time unnecessarily. It was secure, that was the important thing. He would have to tear the whole wall he was stuck against first before getting free.

The second spell woke him up. She saw panic in his eyes as they darted around, his muscles straining against the restraints and then his body went slack as his eyes landed on her.

"Professor?" His voice was hoarse, it cracked with emotion and Minerva forced herself to breathe again.

"I want to know when Mr Black," she demanded, frustrated when her accent thickened, when she didn't sound as calm and collected as she wished to feel. "When did you decide to betray everything you loved? Everyone who ever cared for you."

"I didn't!"

There was desperation in his voice now, eagerness in his eyes that spoke of madness.

"I swear Professor, I swear. It wasn't me, it was Pettigrew. I'm innocent, there was never a trial, I never got time to explain myself. It was Peter who betrayed us all. He's here, in the castle, I'm going to kill him and then everyone will believe me," Sirius stopped abruptly and Minerva tensed as he looked her dead in the eye. "You think I'm crazy?"

"It is hard, Mr Black, to believe a word you say after such a long Azkaban sentence. Never mind the fact that you are babbling nonsense," her voice was clipped, thankfully restrained as disappointment flooded through her. So his mind was lost, perhaps that was better.

"Minnie, look, just listen -"

"Don't call me that."

Her wand was raised again and but Sirius did not flinch.

"I know I can't ask you to trust me. I know I… I fucked everything up. Trust me, I've had lots of time to think about everything I did wrong. But please, let me try and explain things. Just give me a few minutes to tell you what I know, then you can do whatever you want to me."

In his youth Sirius would have said the end with a leer, the grin which he had perfect in fourth year that made girls and boys alike blush. The man she saw before her looked dejected and she found herself once again ignoring all rationality.

"Talk clearly and quickly Mr Black."

"But no babbling." There was the ghost of a smile, visible only in the brief creases of the corner of his eyes.

How much time passed Minerva wasn't sure but the sky was lightening, from the black of night to an indigo hinting that dawn would soon burst across in the sky in a kaleidoscope of peach, gold and silvery mist coating the ground. The few minutes had led to much longer. Now they were both sat, Sirius still occasionally rubbing his wrists and looking like he might bolt any moment. He was petting Crookshanks with the sort of repetitive movement that told her it was subconscious.

"I didn't know Remus was in the castle," Sirius murmured, "and the rest of the plan… Minnie I can't ask you to do that for me."

She tsked and shook her head.

"You aren't asking me to do anything Sirius. I am telling you what I am doing, whether you care to go along with my actions is your decision."

He gave her a sideways glance and then sighed.

"Thank you. I… I think the revenge is driving me more mad than the Dementors ever did."

Carefully Minerva placed a hand on his shoulder.

"You will transform. We will go to my quarters, where you can eat and get clean. I will see to this rat, but more importantly I promise I will see that your name gets cleared."

The relief was palpable on his face.

"And Dumbledore? Or what if Remus smells me?"

"It will be okay," she said simply, because she didn't have any answers or any hint of an idea what to do if Dumbledore or Remus stood in her way. That was the problem with thinking her heart, she thought ruefully, it left her head playing catch up.

"But Sirius, if you come with me it's because you trust me. No gallivanting around the castle on some harebrained scheme."

"That doesn't sound like me at all. Okay wow, your glare has not changed one bit. I promise Professor, I'm exhausted and starving. I'm so grateful for your help I want to cry. Of course, I feel guilty for involving you now but I hadn't thought about Harry," Sirius paused for a very long moment, staring down at Crookshanks in his lap. "I don't want to go mad. So I'm happy to… to try something else."

She squeezed his shoulder, for a moment unable to speak as she forced herself to not shed a tear. One of them had to be strong.

"You can call me Minerva, it's been quite a few years since I was your Professor."

"So Minnie? You're saying I can call you Minnie?"

"No Mr Black, that is not -"

"James would freak out." Sirius laughed unexpectedly, throwing his head back and Crookshanks hissed. "That's going to be one of the first things I tell Remus too, I'm pretty sure he bet me two Galleons that you would never let me."

She tried not to smile and when he had transformed as sunrise streaked over the sky, following close at her side as they walked, Crookshanks running ahead to go back into the castle, the mood was back to being fraught with tension. Minerva was well aware that it could go wrong at any moment - and yet every instinct, every rational thought was telling her that this was the right thing to do.

She was going to save Sirius, just as she had so many times before. She was going to save him.

* * *

 **A/N:** This was written for Round One of the 'One Character Only' Competition run by AlwaysPadfoot.

Prompts used were 'teacup', 'anxiety' and 'nest'.


	2. Seeking Refuge

**A/N** : I honestly meant to keep it as a one - shot but I couldn't get this idea out of my head. So here's chapter two. I must say right here and now however, updates will be sporadic and irregular at best. Don't get your hopes up, this'll be a slow burner. Nevertheless, people's interest in the fic really did inspire me to write more too, so for that I thank you.

Prompts and challenges are listed at the bottom.

* * *

 **Chapter Two**

 **Seeking Refuge**

As soon as the castle doors closed behind them, Minerva felt paranoia wrap around her lungs and constrict, making it difficult to breathe. Sirius was pressed against her leg as Padfoot, glancing up at her every once in awhile and so she kept her head high and took the most direct route to her quarters.

Abruptly Sirius whined and grabbed her skirt between his teeth. She glanced down, shocked by his tugging and he let go, momentarily looking guilty before jerking his head and slipping through a tapestry. For a split second Minerva rolled her eyes to the heavens and then followed, if only to berate him and order him to follow her to her rooms.

It was dark enough that she had to cast a lumos, causing Padfoot's eyes to momentarily gleam, reflecting the light back. His claws clacked rhythmically against the flagstones as he turned his back on her and went further down the barely lit corridor.

"Just what do you think you're doing?" she snapped. All she got in return was a faint whine. Muttering to herself Minerva cast a silencing spell around them both and followed close behind. As she watched Sirius weave effortlessly through the castle she almost wanted to sigh. She, Remus and Dumbledore had all talked about how no one had known the passageways and secret corridors like Sirius and James had during their school years. They had each put varying levels of protective spells around the likely places they thought he would target, but his attack on the Fat Lady over Halloween and now how he was taking her somewhere Minerva had a feeling no one had been in many years (at least judging by the dust) proved to her that they had all underestimated Sirius Black.

She barely managed to keep her composure when a final door pushed open led directly opposite her classroom. Minerva glanced behind her to see the door fade seamlessly into the wall, making it appear solid. She had lived in the castle for years and had never realised. Padfoot wagged his tail tentatively but he was nervous, visibly edgy so she did not stop to question him but gestured for him to follow her. At this early in the morning even the dawn had not risen to cast a glow through her classroom windows. It normally did not brighten up until just before her first lesson, but now in early January it was just as likely to stay dark until closer to lunch.

She strode confidently past the desks, one still stained pumpkin orange from Gary Wilkes unfortunate accident attempting to transfigure a pair of tangerines to tango. Hopefully the House Elves would have better luck cleaning it over the weekend, she'd given them permission to take the table and use whatever products came to mind if it was that ingrained.

Once they were out of her classroom and into her office, she motioned for Sirius to stay in his Animagus form and began to cast spells. They were familiar ones, ones that she'd first got in the habit of casting daily years ago during the First War. If Dumbledore were to decide to visit her quarters, he wouldn't be surprised by her precautions. It would take a lot for him to get through them, that at least gave her some peace of mind considering what she was currently doing.

Aiding and abetting a fugitive, someone convicted of mass murder.

A slow swish of her wand sealed the last ward and then she lay her hand on the door to her quarters.

"It only allows me in. I actually put in that measure after a certain Mr Potter tried to charm my shampoo to turn my hair purple."

Sirius did not react in any way like she expected, in fact he practically ignored her and stood, hesitating on the threshold to her quarters as she opened the door. Softening her voice, Minerva coaxed in him gently. It seemed to her that the realisation that he was finally safe now, the sight of her warm quarters had sent him into some sort of shock has he followed each of her commands, transforming into human form his eyes unfocused.

"Do you remember the last time you ate Sirius?"

He shook his head.

"Well, I will organise some food for us and talk to the house elves about not entering into my quarters. Whilst I do that, you look like you could do with a bath of some kind and a change of clothes," she said brusquely. Guiding Sirius to her large bathroom, the third door on the left as the corridor wound past the open plan kitchen and lounge, he took a shuddering breath at the sight of the claw - footed large bathtub.

"Thank you Minnie."

She wasn't sure whether to offer him support or order to have him leave the door open. He seemed to weak in that instant, expression unreadable and then he went into the bathroom and firmly closed the door behind himself. Exhaling slowly, Minerva stared at the barrier now between them and then went to her room to freshen up.

It was a Saturday which made the prospect of being awake for almost twenty four hours easier to deal with. She would sleep later in the afternoon and tell her colleagues that she had come down with a flu of some sort. No doubt Poppy would give her a potion and then prescribe rest.

Combing through her hair and then quickly changing into something more comfortable than the robes she had been in, she conjured a piece of parchment and summoned a quill as she walked back into the main pair of her quarters, a wandless spell cast at the kettle to bring it to the boil. Her mind whirring, she jotted in short hand some options for what to do next, her attention drawn to the main bathroom door which was still firmly closed every few seconds.

What was she doing?

How had she gone from following Miss Hermione Granger's cat through the moonlight out of curiosity, to now dithering about whether to check on Sirius in her bathroom. Abruptly she was shaken out of her thoughts when, barely audible over the sounds of running water, Sirius cursed.

"Sirius?"

Minerva was on her feet in an instant, wand drawn - for what purpose she wasn't sure but it made her feel more prepared for what may occur. With one of the Marauders you could never be too sure.

"I'm fine, it's nothing I…"

"May I open the door?"

He didn't say yes, instead it sounded suspiciously like a sob. Bracing herself, she pushed the door open slowly. Sirius was hunched over the sink, the tap running and his arms braced, grip locked so tight that she could see the veins straining.

"I just… I look so fucking…"

In the harsh bathroom light, he did look gaunt, haggard and every other negative description Minerva could think of. It took some time but eventually Sirius had washed what was clearly years of dirt off his skin. He had retreated inwards, unembarrassed by getting naked in front of her. To her credit, she stayed professional and focused on the task at hand. Only once did her eyes stray to the tattoos he now had on his skin, to the scars on his body. She charmed clothes on him to save him some modesty, talking more to herself about potions she would have to acquire when Sirius said her name softly.

"Could you help me shave? I'd do it myself but I can't do the spells and my hands are shaking too hard."

"Of course."

She could understand why he'd want too. The beard that had grown was unkempt and straggly. What she didn't expect was how intimate it felt as she conjured a chair to sit opposite him. Sirius put the shaving foam she provided on his face and then asked her if she felt confident enough to do it with a razor as his skin was sensitive to magic.

"Mr Black, you really do like to make out you're so different than the rest of us," she jested slightly.

"It's true, besides, you know I'm special."

There was a hint of a grin as he spoke and then she motioned for him to be quiet. She expected him to flinch, to tense up as she brought the blade to his throat. It was a vulnerable position to be in; yet Sirius closed his eyes calmly.

She worked slowly and when she was finished, the transformation was surprising even to herself. Sirius looked immediately younger and as he washed the last remnants of soap off his face, he smiled in the mirror.

"Thank you for helping me. The hot water… even just smelling clean and now my face… It's all a bit much, but with you here it's a lot easier."

She merely nodded, banishing all of the mess and chair before motioning for him to follow her.

"I am going to the kitchens to get us some food and ask that no house elves come into my quarters from now on. While I am gone, I want you to just rest. Don't leave Sirius."

He was already shaking his head before she'd even issued her warning.

"I don't intend too. I can't do this on my own. I won't betray you."

"Thank you Sirius," Minerva said sincerely. "I know you want to get Peter, believe me I do too but we have to do this right. He's with one of my students now so I will think of a way to acquire him without putting anyone in danger or giving Mr Pettigrew any chance to escape."

"That bastard," Sirius snarled, "he's hiding amongst children. He's fucking scum."

Minerva had to agree. The thought that he was in her Gryffindor dorms and had been for some time, for she remembered Percy Weasley bringing a rat to school in his first year, made her blood boil. And yet she could see the way Sirius was shaking and did not want to do anything rash for fear that he would just react and then not have any opportunity to plead his innocence.

She left him with a glass of water, sat on the sofa, a well worn blanket wrapped around him charmed with warming spells. The first thing she had to do was get food for them both; they would go from there.

All that changed on the second floor. She rounded a corridor and almost walked straight into Remus who was peering into a suit of armour.

"Minerva," he said looking surprised. "I didn't expect many people to be up this early in the morning. I was just looking for a boggart, I thought I -"

He stopped as she took a step away, forcing herself to smile.

"I slept lightly, I really am not feeling very well."

"Minerva…"

She watched his eyes shift shades to a soft amber and felt her hand twitch, desperate to reach for her wand.

"I can smell him on you."

He took a step towards her and Minerva made a split decision not to lie. She had seen Remus duel and yet she was confident that she could win if it came to that. After all, she had to protect Sirius.

"Remus, I can explain."

His face was tight in its fury. He stared at her for so long, the moment seemed never ending and then he gestured sharply to the empty classroom directly opposite where they were standing.

"Explain quickly, or I swear Minerva, I'm not sure I can control what I might do."

"I do not appreciate threats Mr. Lupin," she said coolly. That made him hesitate and he held the door open for her, which gave Minerva hope that there was still a chance to reason with him. All she had to do was explain, just as Sirius had explained to her. Having him on her side would certainly be helpful, although, a small voice murmured in her mind, if she wasn't sure how to stop Sirius Black from being a renegade and trying to kill Peter, how on earth was she going to stop a werewolf once he realised the truth?

* * *

 **A/N** : Entered for Round Four of the ' **One Character Competition** ' by AlwaysPadfoot. Prompts I used were:

\- pumpkin orange

\- cursed

\- moonlight

\- paranoia

\- 'That bastard'


End file.
